Twenty-Three

We started celebrating Anna’s birthday today.  I had an awesome compliment from my co-worker who said, “She’s a miracle.”  I thought inside my head, “Yes she sure is.”  I’ve prayed for her many times between the birth, the words I’ve said were told to me “Take her home and do the best you can.”  I’ve had thoughts of many things today.  I’ve held her closer, loved having her for all these years.  And I hope there are many more.  

I’m reading a book that goes into detail of how shock feels.  I read the paragraph and I instantly came back to thinking about the feeling after Anna was born.  I did not know anything as far as a diagnosis but I knew enough that things would likely not be normal. I was in deep fog.   

Here’s the excerpt:

From the book, “Without Any Warning, Casualties of a Caribbean Vacation,” a Memoir by Stephanie Schaffer:

“Everyone has left, or is asleep, and it’s only me lying here, alone with these thoughts, staring wide eyed at the darkness.  I’m frozen in fear, feeling as though I’ll never sleep again, I feel my eyelids beginning to droop, and I’m so tired but I fight the fatigue, protecting my mind for a while longer. . . . 

This is what I felt over 24 hours on her day of birth.  I was in shock but unaware at the time.  I was full of unknowns.  I was not well.  I had never felt this emotion.  I tried to think of my other kids at home but I was so darn sick about what they told me about Anna.  I remember trying to think of anything else, anything at all.  I just could not come to any thought other than total horror.  The idea that my baby was in bad health, really tough stuff.  I wanted to be anyone but me at that moment.  

Today, all these beautiful years and fun memories later her birthday brings me to knowing that we can endure.  We do go through times of deep intense emotions.  There is life after shock and horror.  The birthdays come and yeah, we have miracles!  We have families and people and support groups that get it.  I am okay with reading that excerpt and so proud of Anna and my “team” of supporters.  If you are a new Warrior mom you must go through these emotions.  It is intense grief and lots of other thoughts.  Lots and lots of other thoughts all at once.  

So today I took her to my mom’s group with me.   The support group I’ve been attending for 14 years now.   I bought a cake that was topped with Oreos and we celebrated Anna.  No she can’t eat cake but us moms can! She laughed and crossed her legs like a pretzel and played with her rattle.  We took fun pictures in the car.  I came home to a beautiful gift from her wonderful (best ever bus driver Janet).  A stuffed animal and a light up birthday sign for her bed.  

Mom and dad will have other birthday adventures this week.  We will shop and buy a mylar balloon and get some new shoes.  We may watch some movies together as well.  It’s been an amazing day, and really a lucky and lovely 23 years.  These are the best days.   

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