It was December 12, 2025. It was the first birthday of my mother who recently died by suicide. We had a very turbulent relationship. She always told me that she would give me signs after death. I worked a long day. I thought all day, it is her birthday, the first with her gone. I had thoughts in my mind all day, as you do with the first birthday after your person dies.
I dressed Anna for our night out. We had been given a flyer for a “Magical Forest” at a local elementary school. Apparently they took old decorations from Hudsons and set them up in a school that’s no longer in use. They create a magic forest and visitors can walk though and admire the trees and the opportunity to see Santa as well.
It was blistery night. Gabrielle, Eric and Elsie were supposed to be going. She called me at 4 and said it would just be her and Elsie. Eric was exhausted from work. I told her that was okay, she could opt out. That’s good she said because Elsie is asleep in my arms as we speak. I thought about staying home too. A bitter Friday night and we could all stay cozy in the home; that sounded good too.
As I drove home my mind shifted. Anna would be in all day Saturday and Sunday due to events I had in my calendar. It really was a busy weekend. I was hesitant but something pulled me to attend this event. Maybe it was that it benefited Fish and Loaves and it was a charitable event. Maybe I was curious, maybe Anna deserved it. Something was pushing me.
I dressed Anna and told her that grandma was not showing us any signs. I thought oh well and maybe I was making too much of it. We bundled up and away we drove.
We pulled up at the school and it seemed very still, not many cars, just kind of dull. I was apprehensive. I was still curious. As we got inside we saw too lovely women behind a sliding glass window. They both were decked out in Christmas attire and adorned Santa Hats. “Welcome to the magical forest they said. Can we help you with tickets?” “Are you just walking the forest, seeing Santa or both?” They were very excited. I said, “We’ll do it all.” So we paid and I was getting excited now. They were so full of energy and love it brushed off on me.
We took off our coats and headed to the long hallway. All the lights were off above and the whole hallway had Christmas trees lining the walls, many, many trees. At least 50 or more. We were told where to see each display and where Santa was of course. We meandered and went into the first room. The whole room had all the movable and some stationary displays. I turned around and saw a display of Santa Bears in a showcase. The bears were everywhere, set up all cute and some were riding things and some were just there to look at. As we moved about it was very handicapped friendly. Nice wide aisles, the lights were moving, the displays were moving and all of a sudden I was back at the Santa Castle as a very young girl. Years and years ago, at least 45 years ago in my mind. Then I saw the reindeer. The nose of Rudulphs that lit up brought back hundreds of memories for me. I could smell the mall in my senses and think of all the things I wanted to tell Santa. The cotton fake snow glistened and the little sparkles in it delighted me again like I was that little girl; because I still truly am her. It was a magical moment, we were in the magical forest after all!
There were women (all volunteers) that commented on liking Anna’s outfit and how fun she looked. They offered to take our picture so we of course obliged. It was magical. Truly magical.
Next we saw Santa and then made our way to eat at Chick Filet. A place Paul had never been too. Anna enjoyed the hustle and bustle of it all. It was truly an intimate family time and the perfect outing for the season.
I took a few videos for Elsie and we will be there again next year. I got home and prepared Anna for bed. I was putting her pajamas on and all of a sudden it was like a huge beam hit my thoughts from above. THE SANTA BEARS! I have never seen them displayed like that, yes it was Christmas and Hudsons vintage things and all, but the truth is that was Mom. That was the sign. She kept Santa Bears so long that I had 5 black bags to disperse when she died. Those Santa Bears meant so much to her. I mean she held onto them for all those years, moving them from place to place, home to home. She would never get rid of them and she never really took them out to display. She just had a longing to keep them, to have them. When she died I gave them to lots of people, placing them in homes instead of a donation box. The night was meant to be, but it was meant to be that my mom’s sign on her birthday was the big displays of Santa Bears. I smiled, I told Anna that grandma was there in the Santa Bears. I must have been pushed inside to go that tug between staying home and going out. It was because the beauty of the night and her sign of her birthday with the Santa Bears was waiting for us.
Later on the couch that night I could not tell Paul. I tried but I just streamed tears. I cried and sat there until I could use my voice again. It was so utterly perfect. I had waited all day and there it was. She was “In the bears.” The magic of and all the wonder was there. The memories of my childhood Christmases and the life of my mother.
It truly is the most wonderful time of the year. Thank you for reading our blog amidst the hustle and bustle of this crazy but joyous season. To all the readers who have lost someone this year may the memories come strong and deep. May the tears flow down your face until you can speak again.
