I am finishing a book by another Warrior mom, Kate Swenson. It is called “Forever Boy.” It was given to me by my Aunt. My aunt is a lovely person whom I have had the chance in recent years to get closer to and visit more. It has been a joy to read this book by another one of “us.” Although Anna does not have autism she does do things similar to adults and children with that diagnosis. She is non-verbal, for instance. All moms who are raising a child or adult with special needs have things in common relating to the life we live.
In her book, Kate is talking about a time when another mother tells her about her own child, “This has broken me.” This is a great phrase to dive into here on my blog. I have been broken and I can relate to this statement. But, I have always been fixed. Sometimes with glue, sometimes with iron, sometimes I break again.
I have a sign that hangs in my kitchen that says, “Broken crayons still color.” When I saw this I scooped it up and thought this is my life. My broken life is still colorful and still worth it. I have days that I want a nice sharp pointy “out of the box” crayon. You know the ones that are “perfect.” But on those days I still have to grab the broken one and make it work.
I was once told that if I had $10,000 for a certain therapy I could get my Anna to walk. I did not have that kind of money. In fact at that time I was lucky to have an extra 40 bucks after my bills and groceries were paid. Looking back, that phrase broke me. I lived my life actually thinking that if I had that money Anna would walk. I believed this about 90 percent. I mean who can really make another human walk? But I held onto these words and they stung me for years. One day another mom who is now a dear friend just told me straight out, “Your daughter and mine have the same syndrome, I never did anything to get her to walk she just stood up and did it. You have had your daughter in many more therapies than mine and I think she is just delayed in that she isn’t able to walk, it has nothing to do with you.” Thank you my friend.
I guess anyone could have said that to me but since it was her, another Warrior, it set me free. I took those previous words that stung and I buried them forever. But you must do it in your own time. Words that break you need to have their own time to mend you as well. The sting has to wear off.
Once I had a family member tell me that I had a lot going for me when I was single and divorced. But then, he said, with Anna nobody will want to take you on. What? Those words didn’t really sting. I knew that was not a person who had any right to open their mouth. I never let those crazy words sting. The things I have heard over the years that were hurtful at first have become laughable. I have the best husband and Anna has the best stepdad anyone could have dreamed of for our family.
We will always encounter those stinging words. Being us means that they keep coming. Maybe you say them to yourself. I encourage you if that is what you do then write them down. Seeing things we think or maybe someone says on paper makes them real. If something is real in our struggle we can work on mending it or accepting it. Broken crayons still do color.
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